New Threat – “Pet Flu”

From: Andrew Johnson

Date: 2006-03-29 09:08:13

Please repost if you wish! The date should give you a hint! New Threat – “Pet Flu”   Reuters – Posted April 1st 2006   An unnamed spokesperson from the Pentagon has stated a new threat is about to appear in our midst – Pet Flu. This alarming development has many health experts seriously worried.   “We have now discovered that Bird Flu can migrate species – we are now finding cases of Cat Flu, Dog Flu, Guinea Pig Flu and Goldfish Flu. It’s becoming increasingly dangerous, due to the large number of pets in the USA. It could strike at any time. We are therefore recommending a new national pet monitoring system to congress.”   The new proposal includes an advanced, hi-tech monitoring system, called “Pet Pal”.   “To implement this proposal, we have designed The National Pet-Cough Monitoring System (“Pet Pal” for short), which will be installed in all pet owners’ homes. This system will be linked through a satellite network to a bank of supercomputers, which will run pet-cough analysis software. It will run in real-time and will be able to detect potentially harmful pet infections just from the sound of their cough. To provide a rapid response, and prevent a spread of infection, the monitoring system will also include an ‘infection control system’. In the event of a particularly nasty cough, the system will fire a laser beam at the pet concerned, thereby neutralising the infection before it even spreads! Amazing!”   A spokesperson for a group of concerned pet owners has already said “this system is a potential threat to our pets’ well-being, but it seems necessary for National Security. I’d rather be alive than have an infected pet.”   Some Civil Liberties Groups have complained that the Pet Cough Monitoring system will take away the right to privacy. The Pentagon have responded saying “we don’t see how – owners will be safe from pet infections. They will just need to make sure they don’t get in between the pet and the laser beam when their pet coughs. We think this is a small inconvenience compared to the benefits and safety that the system offers for all Americans”.   The Cat Owners League have objected to the proposals saying “We think this system will victimise cats unnecessarily. As most cat owners know, cats are particularly susceptible to ‘cat cough’, which is not infectious – and is quite natural. We can see many of our moggies being unnecessarily exterminated”.   When this objection was put to the pentagon spokesperson, he stated “If this proves to be a repeated problem, we will be able to handle it with a software upgrade.”   When asked about the problem of pets coughing when out of doors, the Pentagon spokesperson  said “Situations where there could be a serious danger to a large group of citizens will be handled by existing SWAT teams, with Air Support. Citizens hearing coughing pets will be advised to call 911 and report the location, type of pet, details of the cough etc and then they will be advised to run for cover.”   We asked the spokesperson how the system would deal with the threat of Goldfish Flu – he would not comment.   Congress is expected to approve the new measures.  

Related articles...

Comments are closed.